Day 183

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Day 183

Pleasure and pain.

The line between the two can be a razor thin margin. Of course, that’s entirely dependent on the type of pain we’re talking about.

Today I had oral surgery. Nothing too catastrophic, mind you. It was the next phase in a multi-part process for an implant. The story of why the implant had to happen is long, bothersome and would almost certainly lead to at least some collection of four letter epithets about a particular dentist. I’m going to refrain from telling the lengthy story for now. (Though it may well be a topic in the future. Less about the issue itself and more about misogyny, homophobia and an attempt to bully me.)

Short version — dental procedure went awry, tooth got cracked and had to come out. So it did, accompanied by a bone graft (that was phase 1). Today was the slice through gum, drill hole into jaw and screw in titanium bolt onto which new tooth/crown will next be place (final phase).

When the last phase was deemed complete and it was time to schedule the next part, I was offered up a bunch of dates.

Valentine’s Day seemed perfect.

I mean nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day quite as well as oral … surgery.

<insert rim shot>

Having a cascade of Novocain needles shoved into your mouth, listening as your mouth becomes an audio-match for a construction site, and then enjoying the sensation of seeping pain as all the numbness wears off. That’s my idea of a party.

In times past I would have tossed back a handful of whatever painkillers were prescribed (and some likely not), anesthetized myself soundly and then soldiered on through the day. Laying still isn’t something I do easily. Even when sick I’ll putter around the house — finding one project or another to keep me occupied. My relative newcomer status to consistent meditation has a regimented schedule: 20–30 minutes first thing in the morning, and another 30–60 minutes at day’s end. Like clockwork. In other words — even my inward, downtime punches a clock. As I’m writing this I realize the amusement in that. Or perhaps the irony (kind of like being spontaneous … every other Thursday … between 2pm and 4:30pm…)

But I digress…

Several weeks ago an article in the Sunday New York Times gave me pause. It served as the foundation for this commentary. So when the time approached for this procedure, I decided to do something unusual. Rest.

When I first returned from the dentist as I walked from my car to the house, a soft rain began to fall. A parade of stocky cumulus clouds tossed into the blue sky, brilliant sunshine pouring around their edges, each drop caught the light and glistened as it fell. Face still numb but transfixed by the contradiction of Mother Nature, I turned my face up to the sun and found myself laughing as I was dusted by the drops.

This magical experience was one of several that actually began at the start of the day … moments that bring to mind people who inspire me and warm my heart. While I settled in for a few hours of rest, I let my mind wander further. It being Valentine’s Day, it felt natural that my mind drifted to the people I love. Through the day I’d been realizing just how blessed I am to be surrounded by such kind, thoughtful, gracious and generous souls. In the past I’d have let my mind wander to what felt missing. I’d be lying if my thoughts didn’t waft that way a bit, but rather than feel mired in the dense stickiness of sadness and loss, my heart feels full.

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The Floral Family … The Twins still hanging in there, one of the Cousins definitely hanging on by a thread of a petal while the other Cousin and Junior seem to be following the Twins in longevity.

The Twins

The Cousins (top and far left bottom); Junior

And today’s Gracious Gratitude. Today I am grateful for:

• Listening to that still small voice that suggests calling a friend, and then finding that you’re calling at precisely the right time
• Roasted red pepper and lentil soup
• Pudding and Jell-O
• Curling up with all of my dogs to watch TV after they all have been freshly bathed & brushed
• Having friends who remind me that family takes many forms
• Did I mention pudding?

Sunrise on Valentine’s Day 2014 (left) and on Valentine’s Day 2018